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[QUOTEURL=http://www.theonion.com/onion3522/clinton_injected.html]
WASHINGTON, DC—Forced to take desperate measures in a last-minute attempt to avert disaster and save the remainder of his sex life, President Clinton ordered top military scientists to inject his body with a highly unstable experimental growth serum Monday.
Above: Military scientists prepare to inject Clinton with the controversial superdrug.
"Earth is threatened on every side by danger. We must act now to save humanity," Clinton said in a prepared statement prior to receiving the untested super-serum. "Our rapidly fragmenting societal infrastructure faces myriad crises: drugs in our streets, guns in our schools, economic collapse in Asia, military aggression in Europe, and global environmental destruction creating an unstoppable army of six-legged mutant frogs. If nothing is done, disaster is imminent."
Clinton said he intends to test the serum himself after he learned that Al Gore had already been given an advanced portion of the newly untested serum. "If Al can do it, so can I" said Mr. Clinton.
"It's the only way," Clinton said. "Someone has got to take the risk."
Strapped into a chair and surrounded by bleeping equipment and digital displays in a laboratory located beneath the city, at exactly midnight Clinton was injected with the serum known outside of Department Of Defense high command only by the code name "Project Proteus."
The injection took place as scheduled, despite the 11th-hour protests of the serum's creator, Dr. Emilio Zardoz.
"Don't do it, Mr. President! It hasn't been properly tested!" Zardoz shouted, bursting into the lab just as technicians moved toward Clinton with a syringe. "In the name of science, man—stop before it's too late!"
In the confusion, the military scientists hesitated, unsure of whether to proceed, but Clinton countermanded Zardoz's urgings.
Most men will have an isolated erection problem at some time in their lives, but for others it happens more frequently. If the inability to respond to your partner has become a recurring problem, you may be suffering from a medical condition called erectile dysfunction, also known as impotence.
If you suspect you have ED, you are not alone. It's estimated that about half of all men aged 40 to 70 years in the United States are affected with ED to some degree. "I've had enough and I am not going to take it anymore" said Clinton. "It is time to start fighting back."
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WASHINGTON, DC—Forced to take desperate measures in a last-minute attempt to avert disaster and save the remainder of his sex life, President Clinton ordered top military scientists to inject his body with a highly unstable experimental growth serum Monday.
Above: Military scientists prepare to inject Clinton with the controversial superdrug.
"Earth is threatened on every side by danger. We must act now to save humanity," Clinton said in a prepared statement prior to receiving the untested super-serum. "Our rapidly fragmenting societal infrastructure faces myriad crises: drugs in our streets, guns in our schools, economic collapse in Asia, military aggression in Europe, and global environmental destruction creating an unstoppable army of six-legged mutant frogs. If nothing is done, disaster is imminent."
Clinton said he intends to test the serum himself after he learned that Al Gore had already been given an advanced portion of the newly untested serum. "If Al can do it, so can I" said Mr. Clinton.
"It's the only way," Clinton said. "Someone has got to take the risk."
Strapped into a chair and surrounded by bleeping equipment and digital displays in a laboratory located beneath the city, at exactly midnight Clinton was injected with the serum known outside of Department Of Defense high command only by the code name "Project Proteus."
The injection took place as scheduled, despite the 11th-hour protests of the serum's creator, Dr. Emilio Zardoz.
"Don't do it, Mr. President! It hasn't been properly tested!" Zardoz shouted, bursting into the lab just as technicians moved toward Clinton with a syringe. "In the name of science, man—stop before it's too late!"
In the confusion, the military scientists hesitated, unsure of whether to proceed, but Clinton countermanded Zardoz's urgings.
Most men will have an isolated erection problem at some time in their lives, but for others it happens more frequently. If the inability to respond to your partner has become a recurring problem, you may be suffering from a medical condition called erectile dysfunction, also known as impotence.
If you suspect you have ED, you are not alone. It's estimated that about half of all men aged 40 to 70 years in the United States are affected with ED to some degree. "I've had enough and I am not going to take it anymore" said Clinton. "It is time to start fighting back."
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