BigDadday
Everday People
To: All Employees
Wrom: YOKSTTZRCL
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy
Holiday.
==============================================
There will be a new soft drink on the market soon that will contain Viagra.
They're gonna call it "Mount 'N Do."
==============================================
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. So please read the
following carefully!
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty
spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen "
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte, On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!"
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is
Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is
Coming To Town.". This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Professur’s "All I Want for
Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, You Can Shove It."
==============================================
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons,
they had to eliminate one team from the league. So
they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing
many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and
have no second string.
Wrom: YOKSTTZRCL
Subject: Office conduct during the Christmas season
Effective immediately, employees should keep in mind the following guidelines in compliance with FROLIC (the Federal Revelry Office and Leisure Industry Council).
1. Running aluminum foil through the paper shredder to make tinsel is discouraged.
2. Playing Jingle Bells on the push-button phone is forbidden (it runs up an incredible long distance bill)
3. Work requests are not to be filed under "Bah humbug."
4. Company cars are not to be used to go over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house.
5. All fruitcake is to be eaten BEFORE July 25.
6. Egg nog will NOT be dispensed in vending machines.
In spite of all this, the staff is encouraged to have a Happy
Holiday.
==============================================
There will be a new soft drink on the market soon that will contain Viagra.
They're gonna call it "Mount 'N Do."
==============================================
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated. So please read the
following carefully!
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be
able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the
overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated
by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain
areas of Ohio, Iowa, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of
the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your
local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side
of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys
to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from
Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that reads:
"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children
leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] on the fireplace. And
Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty
spit can handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon
dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my
reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen "
when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace,
on Martin and Labonte, On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are
likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does
have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back Off!"
The last I heard it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is
Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other
is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) going wee on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th
Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated
viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey
and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of
state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure
you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put
presents under the tree.
9. And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me
like "Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus is
Coming To Town.". This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all
the AM radio stations in the South. Those song titles will be: Mark
Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox," Professur’s "All I Want for
Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack," and Hank Williams Jr.'s "If You Don't Like Bubba
Claus, You Can Shove It."
==============================================
The NFL announced today that for financial reasons,
they had to eliminate one team from the league. So
they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and
the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, causing
many layoffs but saving millions of dollars in costs.
They will be known as the TAMPACKS.
Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and
have no second string.
@ #1
@ #3, but you'd better duck! 
